The ice failed me today, please don't do the same
by WhereDreamsAndRealityCollide
Summary: 'For the first time in my life, the ice has failed me just like I have failed everyone else...' A Victor and Yuri short story.
1. Yuri

The ice was peaceful, quiet, tranquil. Thoughts that turned calmed water into raging storms couldn't get me here. My mind always reflected that of a calm lake, there was not a single ripple on the water's surface to break the perfection and distort the moonlight's reflection. I could let my mind wander freely, never having to be afraid of where I may find myself later. The ice protected me like a loving mother would their child. But, for some reason tonight it was as if that child had turned into a rambunctious defiant teen who had escaped their mother's protective embrace. The nurturing presence was no longer here.

* * *

My bed was a mess as I continued to toss and turn. My over-thinking tendencies had thrown my mind through a loop. My own body wouldn't allow me to simply close my eyes and ease into a peaceful sleep. Instead, it seemed persistent in reminding me of my constant shortcomings. My failures and disappointments. My dreams that simply remained as dreams instead of becoming reality.

Frustration reared its ugly head as I threw the blankets off my body. I quickly got changed into workout clothes and packed my backpack. No care was given as I threw in things I thought I might need. Spare set of clothes, towel, water bottle, and of course, my skates. All of that seemed about right. I didn't bother to check the time as I tiptoed out of my room. After all, Victor sleeps in the room right beside mine. Waking him up and having to answer his questions was the last thing I wanted to do.

So I left the house and ran. Tightly grasping the key that was in my hand. Yuuko had given me the spare key a few weeks prior to the Grand Prix Final. 'If you ever need to come here, and we're closed you know' she had smiled. The Nishigori family really was too kind to me. The cool crisp night air felt refreshing against my face as it caught my hair making my raven locks flutter backwards. Hasetsu was like a ghost town. No one was awake making my shadow my only friend. The run didn't last long as I began to fumble with the key before coming to a complete stop to successfully unlock the front door. Stepping inside felt nostalgic. For so many years I would come here to retreat from reality for awhile and lose myself in my passion for skating. With years of experience, I laced my skates before walking up to the ice rink and resting my backpack against the barrier. Stepping onto the ice made a sense of calm wash over me as I lazily closed my eyes and pushed off. I took a single shaky breath as I imagined the music playing in my head and started to perform the step sequence from On love: Eros. I didn't apply the effort I would have normally in daily practices so instead slowly made my way around the rink. I wanted to elude the thoughts that wanted to take over back at home yet I could still feel them trying to force their way back with each step I executed. Force them out, that's what I had to do. So I forced my skates to pick up speed as I prepared to perform a quadruple flip. As both the blades left the ice, I gasped and my eyes opened wide when my mind became plagued with the thoughts that could never before reach me here.

 _Victor left the ice and by doing so killed his career as a competitive figure skater all for nought._

 _"We'll get married once he wins a gold medal'… that's what you had said in front of our friends and fellow competitors. You said it with such confidence yet I failed you yet again. How is it that a skater who has won gold at the Grand Prix Finals 5 years in a row managed to have such a failure of a student who couldn't achieve the same rank?_

 _Coach Celestino was another figure skating legend that was recognized worldwide and was viewed as one of the top figure skating coaches out there. How many years had I spent under his tutelage in Detroit just to flub every jump and end up in 6th place in my first year competing in the Grand Prix?_

 _I wasn't even cut out for ballet so instead found myself skating with a boost of encouragement from Minako-Sensei._

 _If I wasn't failing my friends I was failing my teachers. If I wasn't failing my teachers I was failing my family. If I wasn't failing my family I was failing my coach. And if I wasn't failing my coach I was failing myself. It just a vicious cycle that never ends._

 _Once again, I've managed to fail everyone._

It didn't even register in my brain that I had hit the ice straight away. The dull ache in my right ankle made me aware of my situation. With a crazed mental state, I must have failed the jump and landed wrong. Not surprising really. It sounded exactly like something I would do so I couldn't say it came as a shock. But even when I could feel the rigid cold of the ice seeping through my clothes, I couldn't bring myself to move. I just remained sprawled out on the ice as my cheek began to go numb and I closed my eyes. Every breath I took I could feel as it bounced off the cool ice and brushed against my skin. I wasn't hurt, yet my own thoughts kept me anchored down.

I could hear someone else step onto the ice and rush over to me. Why was anyone else even here? It was still dark out so it wasn't like the rink was being opened to the public. But still, I couldn't bring myself to care or look who it was.

A warm hand I had grown accustomed to over the best part of a year settle on my shoulder.

"Yuri…" it was a breathless whisper but it shattered the silence that had settled over the ice.

"What are you doing here Victor?" the question left my mouth before I could think anything else. He should have been in bed sleeping like the rest of Japan. Not here at some ungodly hour of the morning.

"I heard you packing your bag and followed you here. I know you fail your jumps in practice when there's something on your mind but it's not like you to fail them when you are here alone trying to calm yourself down"

"How… how do you know about that?"

"I followed you here when I first became your coach. Yuuko and Takeshi took the time to tell me"

Made sense I guess. Those two had grown up on the ice with me and both worked here. It was inevitable that the day would come where they would tell Victor all my 'on the ice' quirks. I sighed and picked myself up as I headed away from the centre of the rink.

"Wait! Where are you going?"

I didn't even answer his question as I continued to distance myself from Victor and stepped off the ice. I grabbed my backpack and quickly headed for a bench so I could remove my skates. Such a simple task as undoing laces even seemed impossible as my mind went off on yet another tangent.

 _Why can't I just accept the fact that I'm a terrible figure skater?_

 _The isn't my home anymore so I should just retire and put my degree to good use. Even that shows I'm a failure, it took me an extra year to get and yet I'm sitting here wasting all the effort I applied. I'm just a dime a dozen figure skater, if I stepped down someone would easily take my place and I would be forgotten. That way Victor can return to Russia. Then the world can't say I stole him from the sport and destroyed his chances of ever returning to the ice._

I snapped out of my thoughts when I felt the same hand being placed on my shoulder yet again. I stared down at my hands only to see I had stopped, having made no progress in removing my skates. How pathetic. I refused to look up into Victor's concerned blue eyes so instead hooked my fingers under my laces to get my skates off faster. Once my feet were free, I turned my body to place my skates in my bag and grab my sneakers. I coldly brushed Victor off as I stood without saying a word, stood without even looking at him and forced the key into his hands. It was his problem to lock up; he shouldn't even be here so why should I deal with it? I pushed the glass doors open and shivered at the cold breeze. It was colder than I remembered it to be when I left home. But none the less, my feet began to move on their own and carried me home along the familiar streets of Hasetsu.

For the first time in my life, the damaging thoughts that had led me to the rink and danced alongside me on the ice left the ice castle with me instead of being forgotten. Instead of being washed away by the gentle waves of the ocean to far away lands where they could never again hurt me. For the first time in my life, the ice has failed me just like I have failed everyone else.

* * *

Time became relative. I didn't remember arriving home yet I was sitting on my bed slouched over in the impenetrable darkness. My mind still abuzz with thoughts that refused to leave. My hands were knotted into my hair trying to rip out the demon running wild in my head. I wanted to scream. Cry until there was nothing left but dry sobs. Swear like a sailor and curse everything in creation.

But I couldn't, I couldn't do any of those things. To do so would wake up my family and earn unwanted attention. My pain was silent and only in my head. It wasn't like I was being bullied at school so Mari would let her fists fly and Mum would make me a special pork cutlet bowl. I miss the days where my problems were so small and trivial. The types of which I could look back on now and laugh. My own mind is my worst enemy. My own thoughts keep me locked up in a cage and stop me from succeeding. I hate it.

The first sob finally left my mouth when I got changed into my pyjamas. Except this time I didn't put on my pants. Instead, I left them in a pile on the floor and only had my boxers. Even though they were short, I rolled the legs up so they were flush against my hip and I crumbled like a piece of burning paper to the floor.

Tears finally began to fall when I broke an old promise I made to myself.

* * *

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	2. Victor

He wouldn't talk to me. He wouldn't even look at me. This wasn't the Yuri I had grown to admire, treasure and trust. This wasn't the man I had watched online as he bared his all in his skating and inspired me. This was a Yuri I had yet to meet. A Yuri who was clearly fighting a silent battle by himself. As his coach and friend, I felt utterly useless. I couldn't do anything as I stared at his back and he disappeared right before my eyes. His demeanour was frightening, and the worst part was, I had no idea what was wrong with him.

It was one thing to watch him fail a landing in practice. Over the last year, I had grown accustomed to the odd mistake when something was clearly weighing on Yuri's mind and distracting him. For a man who lacked such confidence, he amazed me when I saw him skate. He was mesmerising, enticing. Each practice had my entire being glued to his routine. But what I just saw now, something was very wrong. From the advice I was given from Yuuko and Takeshi, plus what I had witnessed myself when Yuri was in the state of mind where he had to calm himself, he rarely attempted jumps. And when he did it wasn't until he was mentally prepared and capable of successfully landing. Yet he attempted my signature move, a quadruple flip. I could see it in his body language, as soon as he kicked off the ice and was air bound he was gone. His eyes were empty and wide like he was trapped in his own thoughts. For all I know, maybe he was. He didn't even attempt to shift his body weight and land. His right foot touched down and his entire body collided onto the ice. Yet he didn't even flinch. Like he didn't even acknowledge the sequence of events that just occurred. Watching him for that short period felt wrong. His skating felt dark and tainted instead of alluring like his step sequence was designed to be for his short program. His skating made me want to turn around and walk away.

* * *

Once I reached my room, Yuri was already in his own. I could hear his muffled cries and couldn't bring myself to just go to bed. He needed me. I could hear his heart breaking from the other side of the wall that was separating us. But I couldn't bring myself to just barge in and interrupt him either. So it left me no other choice than to sit down outside his door and wait. Wait for the golden opportunity to comfort him and wipe his tears away, tell him everything would be okay.

Committing to do so felt like forever though. Seconds quickly turned to minutes which soon became an hour. Yet I still kept waiting. Finally, everything fell deathly silent. There were no muffled cries or rustling leaves. There were no distant vehicles passing by or the occasion snore from Makkachin. It was unnerving. Ever so slowly, I stood up from the ground in an attempt to make no noise and braced myself. Just as slowly, I opened the door to Yuri's room but was greeted by nothing but pure darkness. I knew where the light switch was so turned it on with ease. Whilst I was prepared for the sudden onslaught of light I wasn't ready for the scene that was laid out in front of me.

"Yuri…" the name escaped my mouth as I rushed to his side and fell to my knees, "Why?"

There was so much blood. My entire body began to shake as the instinct to help kicked in. He was slumped against his bed in his t-shirt and boxers. His entire body was limp and his head hung down. His arms were lazily lying on either side of him, hands covered in blood. Despite the strong presence of crimson, I could see a faint glint in Yuri's open palm. Panic and shock began to take over as I ran out of the room in search of water, towels and bandages. He needed me and I would be damned if I let him down. The search for 3 simple things seemed to last forever as I fumbled around in the darkness. Above all, I was amazed Toshiya, Hiroko or Mari had yet to come down to find out what all the commotion was about. But at last, I ran back to Yuri and found him in the exact same position I had left him. With care I began to clean his hands and removed the blade that was sitting against his pain. I stared at the object with so much hate and malice but knew now wasn't the time. So it was placed on the ground near the bucket of water to be dealt with later.

The taste of bile began to rise in my throat and my eyes began to fill with tears as I slowly moved towards his thighs. With the most gentle of movements, I began to clean away the blood that was only just starting to dry. A tear finally fell when the full damage finally began to surface. Whilst they were deep, they weren't deep enough for stitches. Some were short, others long but they all overlapped each other like a harrowing patchwork quilt. Tears continued to fall as I moved onto the other thigh to find the same thing. I had seen things like this before but never to this extent. It both felt and easily looked like Yuri had carved into his body over 100 times. With the excess blood cleaned up I quickly moved Yuri into a position that made it easier to bandage his wounds. It was only now that I realised how cold Yuri felt to the touch. So I quickly wrapped him up like he was made of porcelain as the deeper cuts began to ooze blood again. Like a new born baby, I cradled him against my chest like he could break any second. With gentle movements, I walked into my room and placed him in my bed. It was larger and this way, it would allow me to keep him warmer than if he was by himself. Besides, after this, I never wanted to leave him alone again. The blankets and duvet swallowed him as I kissed his forehead and stepped out of the room again. I needed to clean everything up before a member of his family stumbled into his room and discovered the bloody chaos. Plus, this scene was one I didn't want Yuri to witness. His room was his safe haven and he didn't need the image of the floor caked with his own blood stuck in his head. The shaking intensified as I looked at my hands. His blood covered my fingers and had even taken over the once pristine gold ring Yuri himself had given me. The urge to scream had never been so hard to deny before.

* * *

I finally crawled into bed as the first rays of sunlight began to peek through the windows. I slid next to Yuri and wrapped him in my arms. I had to know he was safe, that he was alive and breathing. I had to hold him to control my own fears. Finally, with no tasks to distract me, the dam finally gave way as I cried rivers into the hair of the boy I had grown to love.

It felt like no time had passed at all, but as Yuri began to finally stir the sun was perched high in the sky.

"Yuri" his name slipped yet again as another wave of tears began to fall. I buried him in my arms as I heard my name being muffled into my neck.

"Why Yuri? Why did you do it?!" I wanted to scream at him. Slap him senseless but I knew that wouldn't help him at all. So I pulled away from him and position myself over him so his eyes were locked with mine. Yet he still tried to look away. I sigh escaped my lips as I gently placed my pointer finger against his chin and turned his head to look at me. Before I knew what I was doing, my palm cupped his cheek, my thumb wiped away his first tear and my lips gently caressed his own. It was a bittersweet kiss but one I have been waiting so long for. He finally let his walls down as my lips left his and he began to ramble. I knew better than to interrupt him though.

"I'm sorry Victor. I just couldn't take it anymore; I had to get rid of them. I failed you. I failed everyone again. You left the ice because of me yet I couldn't even get gold to uphold your reputation. I failed Celestino, Minako, Mum, Dad, Mari, the Nishigori's, everyone. Even my country and above everyone else, I failed you" he fell silent as his gorgeous brown eyes stared into mine. Begging me to say something, anything as he laid his demons out on the line for me to finally see.

"You could never fail me Yuri. You're my greatest pride. But I understand that this has been building up for a long time and that you've finally snapped"

"I have failed you Victor. I stole you from the figure skating world for nothing"

"You didn't steal me Yuri. You can't steal something that isn't the property of another. Besides, I was the one who came to you remember?"

"You belong on the ice Victor. I can't keep doing this, I'm retiring, I'm sorry"

"If you retire then I will too. I belong wherever you are Yuri, whether that's on or off the ice. The skating rink isn't my home Yuri, home for me is wherever you are" I sealed my words with a kiss as I felt unsteady hands wrap around me. I smiled into the kiss as I quietly mumbled 'I love you'. Maybe that was the wrong thing to say as Yuri suddenly pulled away from the embrace with a shocked expression.

"How? How can you love someone like me? A dime a dozen figure skater with confidence issues and disfigured thighs? Compared to you I'm nothing!"

I smiled a sad smile as his words finally reached me.

"I love you because you're simply you. I love the small smile that graces your features when you're served a pork cutlet bowl. I love the grimace that you pull when I give you shitty pep talks. I love the glint that occurs in your eyes when you're performing your routines. I love the relaxed vibes you give off when you step into the onsen after a long day of training. I love the Yuri who gets nervous before each competition. I love the Yuri that is proud of himself after completing his program to perfection. I love the smile that reaches your eyes each time you successfully land a quad. I love the Yuri who blushes easily and I love the Yuri who gives his all to everything he does. I feel in love with you just the way you are, quirks and all. Scars aren't going to stop me from loving you and treating you like my king" I smiled down at my beautiful Japanese skater as his eyes softened and he let a single tear fall.

"The ice failed me today, please don't do the same" he cried as I suddenly found his head buried in my chest and his arms wrapped around me in a vice like grip.

"I promise I will never try to" I replied in a soft voice as I hugged him back "You're my world now Yuri, every day I will strive to make you feel happy and loved. Besides, you're my fiancée aren't you? I can't fail my future husband now can I?" I couldn't help but smile when I heard a small laugh and could feel Yuri's breath against my chest. He sighed in contentment as I rolled myself over so I was lying down with him flush against me. I carefully picked up his hand and kissed the gold band I had placed on his finger. The other remained against his back as my fingers drew patterns against the material of his t-shirt. In this moment I couldn't feel happier. Emotions I had kept secret for so many months were finally out and they were reciprocated. I finally had the love of my life in my arms and I have found the inspiration I was lacking to return to the ice. For the first time in my life, I finally felt complete.

"I love you"

"I love you too"

* * *

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